She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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