It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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