When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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