I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
