nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
