p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just found puke in my bra..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize