Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
