Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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