Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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