Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
