Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
