Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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