Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize