found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
