I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
