and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
