I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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