i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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