The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
