I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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