The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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