I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
