My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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