I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Randomize
