3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
