my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
