Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
