im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The beer is more important than you right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
