nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
