the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Text me some of your sweat
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