I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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