billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
