Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
