your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
