Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
