I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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