And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
