I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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