why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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