My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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