I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
