haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
