I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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