I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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