i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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