you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
