I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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