i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
