I puked a lego.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize