im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Still dying that you shit outside
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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