90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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