Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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