i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
you had me at cake vodka
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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