I cannot find my penis.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize