I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
