Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Houston, we have a blender
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
