my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
