She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
