: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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