No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
