he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize