are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize