You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
