Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
