pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
