just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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