I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
