i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
