I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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