Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
