If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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